The shape of voice

I just watched the movie.
It's so touching that it hurts.
Because I also have a friend that can't hear very well, and I have no ideal if I am doing it right or doing it wrong. So sad.
I also have the thoughts of committing suicide, because it doesn't matter to the world if I did not exist, why bother staying alive in such ugly world while everything is painful and complicated? That "I-do-not-need-to-exist" is a firm theory that no one can argue with, not just for me.

But.

One time, which was not so long ago, I was riding YouBike to my Buddhist class after work, I came up with a new theory. I messed up again at work that day, and I was as sad as I used to be, the terrible thought came to me as well. "I don't need to exist, because the world will be just fine, or even better, WITHOUT me." But some small and unfamiliar feeling(?) thought(?) also emerged. Maybe the world doesn't need me, but my existence is my chance to create something, to change something........... my existence is My chance to give myself value.

I feel peaceful after I realised this.