I just watched the movie.
It's so touching that it hurts.
Because I also have a friend that can't hear very well, and I have no ideal if I am doing it right or doing it wrong. So sad.
I also have the thoughts of committing suicide, because it doesn't matter to the world if I did not exist, why bother staying alive in such ugly world while everything is painful and complicated? That "I-do-not-need-to-exist" is a firm theory that no one can argue with, not just for me.
But.
One time, which was not so long ago, I was riding YouBike to my Buddhist class after work, I came up with a new theory. I messed up again at work that day, and I was as sad as I used to be, the terrible thought came to me as well. "I don't need to exist, because the world will be just fine, or even better, WITHOUT me." But some small and unfamiliar feeling(?) thought(?) also emerged. Maybe the world doesn't need me, but my existence is my chance to create something, to change something........... my existence is My chance to give myself value.
I feel peaceful after I realised this.
2017年4月9日 星期日
2016年7月17日 星期日
2016年7月11日 星期一
It's been a LONG while XD
Yeah, this is what I do all the time. Create a blog, swear to write something from time to time, and abandon the blog XD.
I ... yeah ... I am 25 now. What a trip.
Now many things have changed in my life. And new goals emerged. (You native speakers use "emerge" with "goal"? anyway haha)
I get to know myself more. And ... yeah.
Just saying hi now.
Hahaha this is awkward ... Goodnight!
I ... yeah ... I am 25 now. What a trip.
Now many things have changed in my life. And new goals emerged. (You native speakers use "emerge" with "goal"? anyway haha)
I get to know myself more. And ... yeah.
Just saying hi now.
Hahaha this is awkward ... Goodnight!
2014年12月1日 星期一
Interstellar made me sad :D but it's good
it's so deep, makes me think of my past and my future....
my life now is kind of dull boring and predictable....
my life now is kind of dull boring and predictable....
2014年9月21日 星期日
2014年6月5日 星期四
Communication
It seems that I gradually have a hard time communicating with this world. Okay I am a pathetic loser who's got no confidence in myself.
You know just how funny others could be and you'll never reach that level of humor. And this kind of humorous people are all around me! I mean what is going on!
When I was a freshman in the college I worked very, very hard to actually fit in the group which was closer to me compared to the other groups in my class. I was not that isolated by them but a lot of times I felt empty and unsafe. Well I don't know if native speakers say that "unsafe", that's rather a Chinese-English style. Anyway I was losing the point again, maybe that's why people don't like me that much lol. I was trying to copy what words others will like to hear, and how others interact with each other. Man maybe I can get an award on researching human behavior. But I failed. Tried again and again, using other ways, still I didn't got the feeling I was looking for. And I am still longing for it but I don't know what to do. People always spreading articles like "ways to be happy" or "just be yourself" some kind of shit, but that doesn't really help. What really makes a difference is if you have made a difference yourself. But it's a hard task for me. I always think too much. That's really unbelievably extremely extraordinarily annoying. Really that is. And you can do nothing to stop it. It's easy for others to say "You are worrying too much." because all they've gotta do is speak all these 5 words! And I am fighting against the strongest enemy of all time for decades - myself !!!"
But one thing I should change is my not-being-contented attitude. Maybe I was asking too much, even I didn't speak a word out of it, I think I expected too much of my friends. I'm not saying they are bad, they are pretty nice actually, it's just that I want to have that kind of chemicals shared by all my friends. Like they know what to say sentences after sentences and complete a perfect funny conversation and laugh together. I could never accomplish that. All I do is boring question and answer talking. And also I don't know how to insult(this word is too harsh I suppose?) my friends. Normal friends care about you, and best friends make fun of you. If that's the truth then I don't have any best friends, not even my parents or brother. Fuck I don't wanna be myself anymore this is fucking miserable!
Well then, still this is me asking too much of others and myself. Maybe being humorous is not my style so I'll find another way. No expectations no disappointments. JUST BE YOURSELF yeah maybe I will.
I wanna say something absolutely different here. I recently discover a Youtuber name Cr1TiKaL. And for your information, if you think I swear a lot in this article, it's his fault. That guy is fucking nerdy and has some fucking good dry humor. And his voice. Wow.
I am nerdy too :P
Do you use that word? Nerdy? :P
You know just how funny others could be and you'll never reach that level of humor. And this kind of humorous people are all around me! I mean what is going on!
When I was a freshman in the college I worked very, very hard to actually fit in the group which was closer to me compared to the other groups in my class. I was not that isolated by them but a lot of times I felt empty and unsafe. Well I don't know if native speakers say that "unsafe", that's rather a Chinese-English style. Anyway I was losing the point again, maybe that's why people don't like me that much lol. I was trying to copy what words others will like to hear, and how others interact with each other. Man maybe I can get an award on researching human behavior. But I failed. Tried again and again, using other ways, still I didn't got the feeling I was looking for. And I am still longing for it but I don't know what to do. People always spreading articles like "ways to be happy" or "just be yourself" some kind of shit, but that doesn't really help. What really makes a difference is if you have made a difference yourself. But it's a hard task for me. I always think too much. That's really unbelievably extremely extraordinarily annoying. Really that is. And you can do nothing to stop it. It's easy for others to say "You are worrying too much." because all they've gotta do is speak all these 5 words! And I am fighting against the strongest enemy of all time for decades - myself !!!"
But one thing I should change is my not-being-contented attitude. Maybe I was asking too much, even I didn't speak a word out of it, I think I expected too much of my friends. I'm not saying they are bad, they are pretty nice actually, it's just that I want to have that kind of chemicals shared by all my friends. Like they know what to say sentences after sentences and complete a perfect funny conversation and laugh together. I could never accomplish that. All I do is boring question and answer talking. And also I don't know how to insult(this word is too harsh I suppose?) my friends. Normal friends care about you, and best friends make fun of you. If that's the truth then I don't have any best friends, not even my parents or brother. Fuck I don't wanna be myself anymore this is fucking miserable!
Well then, still this is me asking too much of others and myself. Maybe being humorous is not my style so I'll find another way. No expectations no disappointments. JUST BE YOURSELF yeah maybe I will.
I wanna say something absolutely different here. I recently discover a Youtuber name Cr1TiKaL. And for your information, if you think I swear a lot in this article, it's his fault. That guy is fucking nerdy and has some fucking good dry humor. And his voice. Wow.
I am nerdy too :P
Do you use that word? Nerdy? :P
2014年6月3日 星期二
Birthday approaches
Alright. I'll turn 23 this month.
how terrifying I'm getting old.
look back at what I've done so far....nothing actually.
if I had the ability to go back in the past, I would pretty much like to go back to the time when I was in the second year in college. Back then everything was under my control, sort of. Our toastmasters club ran pretty well and I was just a minor officer in the club which didn't have to take much responsibility. I have a bunch of friends and they hadn't seen the other side of me....? Which means, if I knew my flaws, I could avoid the bad and maybe remain our friendships. I guess you either get something or learn something from every lesson, yeah? And my grade back then was so great, I was really enjoying what I was learning , I really liked that feeling, even now I take out my textbook I think it is interesting. I think the miserable thing when I was in the second year was my style haha what was I, a fifteen-year-old girl??
And now, I don't know what the fuck should I do. I am currently working at a company that I am not really looking up to, my boss is an selfish person who thinks his employers are idiots and as long as we get paid by him, he owns us. And I don't really like the way he cheats on the customers. I really don't like it. Shouldn't people treat each other with credit in the business world? Or am I being naive again here? I hope not or I'll be really disappointed by this fucking damn world. Like I said, I really hate money, I need it only because I have to stay alive, that's all. Why do people need so much money anyway?
Ok I'm losing the point again.
I'm so lost now. I don't like my current job, but I don't know what I was capable of . I hope I can do something for my beautiful country, which seems really critical right now. I hope my life won't be so boring....
three wishes: first, find my way. Second, be brave. Third, Idk yet haha.
goodnight.
how terrifying I'm getting old.
look back at what I've done so far....nothing actually.
if I had the ability to go back in the past, I would pretty much like to go back to the time when I was in the second year in college. Back then everything was under my control, sort of. Our toastmasters club ran pretty well and I was just a minor officer in the club which didn't have to take much responsibility. I have a bunch of friends and they hadn't seen the other side of me....? Which means, if I knew my flaws, I could avoid the bad and maybe remain our friendships. I guess you either get something or learn something from every lesson, yeah? And my grade back then was so great, I was really enjoying what I was learning , I really liked that feeling, even now I take out my textbook I think it is interesting. I think the miserable thing when I was in the second year was my style haha what was I, a fifteen-year-old girl??
And now, I don't know what the fuck should I do. I am currently working at a company that I am not really looking up to, my boss is an selfish person who thinks his employers are idiots and as long as we get paid by him, he owns us. And I don't really like the way he cheats on the customers. I really don't like it. Shouldn't people treat each other with credit in the business world? Or am I being naive again here? I hope not or I'll be really disappointed by this fucking damn world. Like I said, I really hate money, I need it only because I have to stay alive, that's all. Why do people need so much money anyway?
Ok I'm losing the point again.
I'm so lost now. I don't like my current job, but I don't know what I was capable of . I hope I can do something for my beautiful country, which seems really critical right now. I hope my life won't be so boring....
three wishes: first, find my way. Second, be brave. Third, Idk yet haha.
goodnight.
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