I just watched the movie.
It's so touching that it hurts.
Because I also have a friend that can't hear very well, and I have no ideal if I am doing it right or doing it wrong. So sad.
I also have the thoughts of committing suicide, because it doesn't matter to the world if I did not exist, why bother staying alive in such ugly world while everything is painful and complicated? That "I-do-not-need-to-exist" is a firm theory that no one can argue with, not just for me.
But.
One time, which was not so long ago, I was riding YouBike to my Buddhist class after work, I came up with a new theory. I messed up again at work that day, and I was as sad as I used to be, the terrible thought came to me as well. "I don't need to exist, because the world will be just fine, or even better, WITHOUT me." But some small and unfamiliar feeling(?) thought(?) also emerged. Maybe the world doesn't need me, but my existence is my chance to create something, to change something........... my existence is My chance to give myself value.
It seems that I gradually have a hard time communicating with this world. Okay I am a pathetic loser who's got no confidence in myself.
You know just how funny others could be and you'll never reach that level of humor. And this kind of humorous people are all around me! I mean what is going on!
When I was a freshman in the college I worked very, very hard to actually fit in the group which was closer to me compared to the other groups in my class. I was not that isolated by them but a lot of times I felt empty and unsafe. Well I don't know if native speakers say that "unsafe", that's rather a Chinese-English style. Anyway I was losing the point again, maybe that's why people don't like me that much lol. I was trying to copy what words others will like to hear, and how others interact with each other. Man maybe I can get an award on researching human behavior. But I failed. Tried again and again, using other ways, still I didn't got the feeling I was looking for. And I am still longing for it but I don't know what to do. People always spreading articles like "ways to be happy" or "just be yourself" some kind of shit, but that doesn't really help. What really makes a difference is if you have made a difference yourself. But it's a hard task for me. I always think too much. That's really unbelievably extremely extraordinarily annoying. Really that is. And you can do nothing to stop it. It's easy for others to say "You are worrying too much." because all they've gotta do is speak all these 5 words! And I am fighting against the strongest enemy of all time for decades - myself !!!"
But one thing I should change is my not-being-contented attitude. Maybe I was asking too much, even I didn't speak a word out of it, I think I expected too much of my friends. I'm not saying they are bad, they are pretty nice actually, it's just that I want to have that kind of chemicals shared by all my friends. Like they know what to say sentences after sentences and complete a perfect funny conversation and laugh together. I could never accomplish that. All I do is boring question and answer talking. And also I don't know how to insult(this word is too harsh I suppose?) my friends. Normal friends care about you, and best friends make fun of you. If that's the truth then I don't have any best friends, not even my parents or brother. Fuck I don't wanna be myself anymore this is fucking miserable!
Well then, still this is me asking too much of others and myself. Maybe being humorous is not my style so I'll find another way. No expectations no disappointments. JUST BE YOURSELF yeah maybe I will.
I wanna say something absolutely different here. I recently discover a Youtuber name Cr1TiKaL. And for your information, if you think I swear a lot in this article, it's his fault. That guy is fucking nerdy and has some fucking good dry humor. And his voice. Wow.
